Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
Ya! She had a north face on tho so she was a classy hooker.
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
Yes, but if I hadn't gotten here early, I never would have seen the butch lesbian midget waddling down stairs from the bar. Worth every minute of drinking alone.
Yeah but then he looked at me bleeding on the floor, said oh i guess you need to go to the hospital now, and left
If I end up married to you I better get lots of orgasms to help me forget I failed at life.
If a hot cougar texts u and says "back massage, blow job".... you show the fuck up.
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
You know how I said I'd never worry about my roommate? Well I just walked in on her masturbating to Star Trek.
Did she boldly cum where no one has cum before?
You kept saying "this bitch", mumbled incoherently for like 5 minutes, took a shot, and kept going.
They are gonna stay together and get married and have 2 children before he wakes up and realizes that there is more to life than anal
He came back with a Butterfinger and vibrator batteries. There's no refusing him now.
I don't even care that it's before church. I feel like God actually wants me to have this shower beer.
just call my name and ill be there, if we are puking, beating up bitches, or pickin up men, OR avoiding wierd men, so many situations require a wingman
Remind me to tell you: When threeways go awry, my MLK weekend story.
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