Goddamnit I hate your level headedness
Making my coffee at work this morning let out a jack daniels fark. Turn around and see the quiet guy making his breakfast
i'm at a party where swedish girls are dumping laundry detergent on each other because it glows in blacklight. this is awesome
so. which one of us is going to pay for the neighbors new window? it cracked when i threw the bottle at it but smashed when you threw yours.
I want to hold her baby but I'm afraid I'll give it a contact buzz
Well I turned her sobriety into my own personal drinking game
He tried to use a signal flare to light the bong
And?
He melted the stem
Just missed the last train for another 5 hours. There are balls in or around the mouth of my life.
The acoustics in my bra are fantastic.
I haven't been motivated enough for a shirt. And only half the day was bra-worthy.
I met her parents last night. Her dad smelled like weed and kept yelling "I HAVE ALLERGIES AHHH MY EYES ARE BURNING!" During dinner It had to be good weed he didn't even know he was yelling.
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
I have a hunchback of notre dame journal from when I was 6 wherein sits a diary entry that reads "saw liar liar today. Carrey's best yet" and that's all.
You wanna explain to me why there is a banana shoved down my pants?
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