I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
He told us that was the only place he could get service when we found him in the closet passed out with a beer
so im goin to clemson & my drug dealers goin to penn state. this is the hardest breakup EVER.
He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
Just before going down on me she said, "I need a hairband for all of the jobs I'm about to perform."
We're trying to decide between cracker barrel an the ER
I'm off the liquor
You're forefathers are ashamed of you. They didn't struggle to make it to America so that you could become a soft dick
He is crying over the toilet and his friends just came in and tried to make him take another jello shot.
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
I'm gonna tie him up and fart in that pathetic excuse for a mustache
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
But forealz I'm gonna need a solid 52 orgasms so hydrate.
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
I realize that my conversation topics seem to only be about bees and my cross dressing fiance. Thank you for being my friend.
Why did you buy a cock ring?
I’m going to propose to his penis
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