and he says: but we did find out that your ovaries have never released eggs. first thing out of my mouth: so i didnt really need to take the morning after pill so many times in college?
not the response he usually gets im sure.
I've been deciding between brands of bagels for 20 minutes. This why I doint smoke weed.
You told me to hold on because you had to barf like a dinosaur.
I'm home with mono, wearing knee high socks, shorts, a stained old shirt, and a surgical mask. He comes over ANYWAY with soup, a gas mask, billions of DVDs, and eats me out. He's either stupid, whipped, or i'm just THAT good.
This flask doesn't match my outfit. I hope the gays don't mind.
So you have no knowledge as to why I am hearing loud repetitive mooing from next door?
HOW DID YOU END UP IN THE BATHROOM WITH A DANCER AFTER 12 MINUTES?
I'm not sure any amount of coworker judgement will keep me from eating oatmeal with dinosaur eggs.
Today wasn't Sunday Funday, it was more like Sunday god is taking a shit on my life day
she said she wouldn't go home with me until she looked up my name in her sex offender app. do i really give off that vibe?
Yeah. It's not just the beard either.
fuck Derek. I choose weed. weed isn't angry and would never ask me to be someone I'm not.
That's what jaeger bombs out of teacups will do to you.
So you're saying you don't want to be with her anymore because she likes sex to much and is just to hot?
Well when you say it that way it makes me sound like an idiot.
You are an idiot.
party tonight. bring as many traffic cones as you can find. we need to section off the blackout drunks way better this time
His phone started ringing when we were pulled over and he said 'hold on, this is most likely more important than you', proceeded to answer it and agree to work sunday, then hung up, looked at the cop and told him to continue.
Randomize
