Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
my sister and i are watching a movie and pregaming together. and by pregaming i mean shes not drinking since she 14 and im drinking alone.
im too high. i could barely wash my hair, let alone handle a whole shower
I can't finish this paper in my room because every time I get distracted I start masterbating. I think it's time to go to the library...
At some point we were all eating banana flavored rolling papers.
And dont tell me its his job to cockblock me just because he's my boyfriend.
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
Normal vaginal pH: 3.8 to 4.5. Of course it tastes like a 9-volt. I could run a potato clock on that thing.
how many ponies have to be on my pajama pants to convince him im gay?
i think we need a new approach.
Also, beer. Big fan.
It wasn't a basement apartment, it's his parents basement. And he wanted to show me his pet tarantula collection. I NOPED THE FUCK OUT!
The cops just came to this party I'm at and ate all of our snacks
Dude just crushed our bbq lays and told us to quiet down
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
He was trying to break into my apartment to get the coke he left last night, didn't engage parking break, so the van started rolling. yup, it's broken.
Nothing like having a family watch you dry heave at the end of the dock
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