Sorry I couldn't answer your call, I'm expecting a call from Chris Hansen.
I'm guessing you didn't end up going to the bar last night.
Nope. Ended up at what I believe was a slumber party down the street.
I'm lit.While shaving my legs I pretended the razor was a tractor cutting down corn. Noises included.
I would like to apologize for making you the target of my "I wish head hair grew as fast as Pubes speech" the other night
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
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He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
I had to find out that I peed in the box of baby clothes from my mom, who found out from my grandma. New low.
That was the night, like, my hair caught on fire...
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The only thing left on my Bucket List is getting fingered at an aquarium.
Quick, I need a picture of your dick. Don't ask questions, just show me your genitals.
Dude I used amphetamines responsibly today though. I snorted one in the am for work and then chewed one in the pm for other work. I'm an adult.
So I crawled off the trampoline to puke in the neighbors yard. Wonderful house guest right here
I'm wearing a sports bra. Of course I'm not getting laid tonight.
I told him that he could either pay the 10 dollars for the box of condoms or I'll make him pay for the diapers.
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