I told u I don't really remember everything lol i pretty much remember not lasting as long as I norm and that I wore a condom, I hate condoms
I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
I had a dream that I had 21 friend requests. it was the best day
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
We played shuffleboard at the bar last night...another sign we are getting tooooo old.
we've decided to start cutting you off when you can't figure out how to work an ipod.
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
I apologized for the whole SWAT team incident to the roommate.
Next time you're baked eat baked beans and potato chips together. Like dip them in the beans. It's so good
I'm not saying I would have to be high to sleep with him. I'm just saying it would probably help.
we need to tell them stories about when happens when we're sober so they think they know what they're in for when they're actually completely unprepared for whn happens when we get drunk
We had sex on his sofa while his friend cheered and threw bugles at us
She was a little thick, but we banged on the beach and fireworks went off as we finished so I think God wanted it
Guy just walked in with a 40 and a Honda steering wheel. Where the fuck am I?
My Mini-Van Handjob Milf is leaving the company. I need to find a new job. I can’t handle this place without those handjobs
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