we've already established he's totally wasted. but now he's just sitting at his computer, doing i don't know what, and he keeps saying "dammmn girl" in a really low whisper
while cleaning my room, i've found many wonderful things. one of these is the card you gave me for my eighteenth birthday. it's a christmas card that says "i want to stick it in your sponger"
I literally have been drunk for three days entirely by myself, the world cup may kill me
No clues in my phone. Only dialed call: my own social security number. And that was before 10:00pm.
accidentally stumbled into a construction site at 3am on the way home. The bulldozer was locked so we had to settle for rerouting traffic with all the orange cones...
I feel so nauseous and all I want is string cheese. My life never makes sense.
We also had a full on debate about how realistic and useful teleportation and time travel would be...and only used Twilight Zone episodes as "scientific evidence"
This is the third year in a row that Mario has fallen through a table on New Years. I'm sensing a tradition developing.
5 hours of volunteer work playing with puppies and banned from the frat I hate most as 'punishment'... Besides the ER trip, I'm not seeing the bad in this situation
When she tells her friend, "hey I'll be back tomorrow, just going to fuck a guy", right in front of you, you know you've got a winner.
Drunk me just want to text sober me for saving that half rack of ribs I loves you
She was screaming and crying about how she couldn't find her middle finger. Then, she threw her body on to the pavement. Thats the last time we buy a freshmen a handle.
I wiped my ass with a McDonalds wrapper. I've hit an all time low. Sorry for my impatience
We were talking about kinky shit, and I suggested a hand job in church.
How'd that go over?
Praise the lord and pass the lotion.
I’m not saying you’re wrong, I’m just saying he’s denying what you’re saying.
Randomize
