I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
Can you tell me we didn't drink from a fish bowl we found in the bathroom last night? I know it would be a lie; I just need to hear it.
Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
The boys are giving me the exam answers and I don't even have to expose my body..yayy engineering!
I was told to ask you about memoirs of a geisha.
Somewhere between catching the stove on fire and not being aware of it being on fire while I'm in the living room. I drank too much.
We have been pregaming the shutdown of the government since Tuesday. Send help, and some more liquor.
Where are you, who is in my bed, why is he wearing a spandex onesie as underwear, how did i get teethmarks on my forehead, what are we doing tonight?
IT'S LIKE SHE TAKES SECRET KUNG FU CUNT LESSONS AND THEN BRUCE LEES ALL OVER EVERYONE.
Well, my eyeball is red and the rest of my eye is black. Oh the joys of drinking with u. PS- I laid in a pile of sawdust. it was ok at the time.
Last night you said you were going to stop drinking and then proceeded to dip cookies in your vodka.
Sadly that explains a lot.
Bonded with the ladies at the perfume outlet by saying "help me smell like i'm not hungover before my shift starts". This is not where I wanted my life to be
this morning's inventory: a top hat, two empty bottles of everclear, half a slim jim, cigars, tiara, pot necklace, and some fishnets. and that's just my purse.
So random question: what's a good way to tell your brother that his Skype sex kept you awake last night? I'm not really sure how that conversation begins.
I love you, but seriously, that was way too long a thesis on an Arby’s curly fry being wrapped around schlong!
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