I'm either too drunk or not bisexual anymore
i was so high last night while i was driving i felt like i was riding a bike with no pedals
i think i gave myself a perma-hangover. or god just hates me.
I woke up wearing nothing but his lifeguard whistle..
Saw a guy in a chef outfit covered in mustard talking jiberish into his phone running across the skywalk.
He just called me juicy booty via text message.
He tried to give me a shoulder massage while i peed in the neighbors bushes to "make it more relaxing."... I let him... That drunk
Did you sleep with Connor? And who undressed me? There's a picture of two guys peeing out my bedroom window. What happened?
Thanks for your number, i want to ski with you, do party with you and sleep with you. Lucas.
BTW, you ever shave a dick into my dog, I'll cut you. I'll laugh first, but then I'll cut you
Dude she's from Moscow. I feel like I'm cheating on America.
How do you nicely stand up a date that you're skipping for a 3sum
Last night was great... In the "I got videotaped making out and getting a handjob on the couch in front of 100 people." kinda way.
Taking out my recycling and 90% of it is alcohol and cat food. I am judging myself.
What's your fascination with fucking to the Lion King Soundtrack?
Randomize
