You know your creepy when you look at recently tagged facebook photos of girls you want to hook up with and they include prom pictures
Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
I just got three quarters of the way there before I realized I was way too stoned for class so I bought a smoothie and walked home.
Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
She asked how far humans have gone into a volcano because they did in spy kids. She was serious.
I was doing the dishes wondering what was with all the tiny little cups, but then I remembered that some people drink things other than huge mixed drinks and big cups of water the next day.
College is just filling the gap until I get a rich girl pregnant
I just encountered the most annoying guy on the planet. I wanted to slap his milkshake out of his fat-boy hands while he was talking to me at the same time as slurping his liquid fat.
I love milkshakes.
Not the point.
I was born in the year of the cock... How fitting.
Around noon tomorrow come looking for me. I'll be on Mill wearing whatever clothes I haven't lost yet. DO NOT REPLY. DO NOT ASK QUESTIONS. JUST DO IT.
You were stoned out of your mind. We were eating cold cuts and you wouldn't shut up about how it was the wettest meat you'd ever felt in your life.
Due to your tardiness, I'm saving you my tab
He pulled the pencil out of my leg and then we fucked. It felt sorta like pulp fiction in reverse.
I ate the crust off the pizza and left the rest in the box. Even I would hate me.
Dude, we got to the strip club as they were closing, and you starting crying because, and I quote, "This is the closest to birthday sex I'm gonna get."
Randomize
