Boner jamz table deep. plus bar deep. wiing waing.
you know you've been playing too much mario kart when you see a curve in the road ahead and see yourself drifting around it
and by charming I mean he has a horse cock.
You need to come back and get me. This is not a jersey shore party and he is not dressed as Pauly D and I am about one shot away from hooking up with a real fist pumping Guido.
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I passed out and woke up with my pockets full of Lucky Charms cereal and chocolate coins. Another successful St Pattys Day.
currently pooping in a public restroom while drinking free beer. there has never been a finer line between awesome and depressing.
It's like being the highest you've ever been, then doing about 20 shots, and chasing them with lines of coke. All while laying on the surface of the sun.
The cops showed up and one of them got pushed in the pool. When he got out he looked really sad so I got him a towel and hugged him. He arrested all the underage drunkards but me.
I didn't pay for a single drink 'help me I'm poor' was my drink pickup line. it totally worked.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm pretty sure I just discovered what the American Dream is said the person eating a hotdog for breakfast in bed in her underwear
I knew things were bad when my gyno recommended meditation.
Today I had sex and flossed at the same time. My relationship goals have been exceeded.
I want you more than I want a burrito.
I'm not as filling.
I sleep better at night when I win things. I never really weep for others.
Per my usual Thursday, I blacked out and slept on the stairs.
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