i cant believe u jumped in someones trunk just to get out of talking to me
i woke up to 115 texts from him all saying "do you love me??"
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
Yessssssssss. I got taped to a couch last night apparently. I also thought i was close to scoring after talking to some chick about hard boiled eggs
Also got home. Still stoned. Mom was up. We made a pizza and were writing a children's book. Sleep good.
Just say its a British thing. They wont know Its not. And if they say you're not British, proposition them for a post-sex game of cricket.
walked into class wearing my zorro costume. some girl just said "oh my god, i fucked zorro this weekend." I found her.
Maybe I'll make your dreams come true and pee on you tomorrow.
The only pictures I have are of me being stoned or me looking like a man, which do you prefer?
It's always a good night until the penis tattoo makes an appearance
All i remember his him yelling yahtzee while pouring beer down her shirt .
he cancelled our romantic dinner reservations so we could stay home and watch a Rocky movie marathon and order pizza. i know i should be upset but i think i'm kinda in love.
He is a sweet angel sent from dick heaven!
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
Well I got black out drunk before the rehearsal dinner and berated my family with insults. But other then that it was a good time
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