So the D.A.R.E. essay I helped my tutor kid write won an award. Oh the irony.
I don't remember which guy I met at the bar is coming to pick me up. It will be like my birthday surprise.
my parents are out trying to convince the local liquor stores to post "do not sell our daughter alcohol" flyers. i'm preping my defense now.
Fuck now we have to have sex
What?
In a bet, need to win
My alcohol tolerance is way too high for this paycheck.
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
I ate a pepperoni off of someone's floor last night. We need to talk.
It was weird. Like "Mom, Dad, here's a guy who knows my orgasm face".
Heb just said, and I quote, "let's go to Who's On Third and fuck a fishbowl with our mouths. I am going to fuck this van." and then he humped a van.
Witnessing a crazy lady on the bus screaming about how romney is one of the four horsemen of the apocalypse.
GO RIDE HIS EYEBROWS INTO THE SUNSET
There's no button for "gave my boyfriend's cock to a friend" on my intimacy calendar.
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
Cum just came out of my nose. That is all.
The frequency with which I change my vibrator batteries is getting a little ridiculous....
Randomize
