i forgot to tell you that olivia sent me a text yesterday that the mormon girl got caught with weed in her vagina at school
he ruins everything I try to do including his roommates
we decided it was best to cut you off after we caught you trying to "baptize" my cat in the jungle juice
She just pulled out a chicken strip and a hundred dollar bill from her purse. This is a legit twentyfirst bday weekend.
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I lost a little respect for your boyfriend when I learned that he has a scar from a Cheerio.
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
You had your shirt off checking IDs at the door and you don't even work there
I heard you were drinking whiskey straight from the bottle last night.
Actually I was drinking whiskey straight from 3 bottles, but that is neither here nor there.
Had a turkey baster with clean pee in it in my pants to pass a drug test, and the bottom fell off, so yeah I'm pretty pissed.
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and then you called me a third time and yelled that you were stealing a puppy named Willow
I think I used my hospital ID to cut the coke last night. I need to swab it for residue at work today.
Guess who just hooked up with a guy who was wearing a shirt from his mom's "dress up closet"?!
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
All I'm wearing right now is a condom and a sock.
Just one?
Yup. One sock.
Well now I’m in the bathroom puking up absinthe so guess I beat myself up over it one way or the other
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