wanna go halves on a baby?
I would have at least made out with you if you were showered.
You know it's an interesting night when you drunkenly scream at your boss, "You'd make a HORRIBLE OBGYN!! You're hands are ENORMOUS!"
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
She said my dick tasted like a junior mint. Ive decided im using this soap the rest of my life
i was congratulating myself on not falling down the stairs when i walked into the wall. it's like one step forward, two steps into the fucking wall
Would you be offended if I asked you to smoke a blunt with me while I pooped?
He's just a really nice guy who stuck his tongue in the wrong place.
Check the bible. I hear he keeps his weed in leviticus.
It sounds like drunken magic sprinkled w narcotics
You know what the worst feeling in the world is? Sitting in your 6pm AA meeting still hungover from the night before
It's the 30 sec rule.... the worst that could happen is I could die
Also, asking the guy who just told you he is crippled on edibles to watch your kid is probably frowned upon by most
Little does she know that you've out-sourced your conscience to a girl who doesn't even wear pants on a regular basis
It was funny for a while but 3 days later I still can't walk and I've constructed a diaper-like contraption to hold the ice pack on my vagina.
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