YOu come back ASAP and we will do whatever you want baby
I made a vision board specifically for the purpose of boning john mayer.
I JUST SHOOK HIS GRANDMOTHER'S HAND. WITH COCK HANDS. THIS IS NOT FUNNY.
I just wanted to yell " i am not a shake weight!!"
i gave you head in a backbend. if that doesnt say happy birthday i dont know what does.
DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.
For some reason I have a hard time believing getting drunk and recreating a movie about singing transvestites is ever very far from a situation you're in.
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
Because of him my new motto is "Keep calm and fuck a guy with a beard". Yes, I am serious.
somehow attending a funeral viewing turned into me snorting cocaine in the bathroom and drawing ninja turtles for children
Is biking from my house to 6th street for liquor pitchers a good idea or a bad idea
I just want my paycheck, and my friends. And alcohol and tacos. Is that so much to ask?
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
One minute we were playing beer pong, and the next minute I was sprinting to my apartment with a watermelon. wtf happened in between?
I knew you were cut off when you tried to order a "Phil Collins"
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