i thought i deleted your number from my phone...Wtf
'hiiiigh' is saved in my t9 for a reason
she demanded that I make her breakfast too so im in the bathroom cooking bacon with her straightener
Hooked up with an Aussie chick last night only an Indonesian chick away from completing my lap around the pacific rim
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
If you end up at a gay bar on a tuesday night in steelers pjs, does that mean youve hit rock bottom?
whiskey
stop
tequila
you're fuckin up my ability to be a agrown up
Please write a memoir and name it "Game Boy and Dick Stuff"
I want to get a list going called "D list celebs I've kissed"
There's some random guy here dryhumping my kitchen door. If he is a friend of yours, please come and retrieve him.
The sex may be the only reason I like him. I've confused the multiple orgasms for feelings.
You know your life has gone downhill when someone has to preface your night with "don't get locked in a porta potty"
My adderall dealer raised his prices due to "impending inflation" ... never buying from a college grad again
I just want to be like "i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it"
Hey how're your balls?
Don't ever let me helicopter again.
Randomize
