seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
Me= Watching Ferngully. My neighbor= Having really loud sex including multiple orgasms
Oh God
I know, but the worst part is I'm not really sure which I'd rather be doing. Feel free to re-evaluate our friendship
i was so high last night while i was driving i felt like i was riding a bike with no pedals
Definitely just saw the guy I went on a date with Friday night dressed in medeival knight gear on the quad preparing for battle. Oh my God.
what you doin?
I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?
reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life
I bet they don't have a scenario slide on how to deal with a suggested three way with counsel during harassment training.
It's a lightpost hitting you in the head. Of course it's going to hurt the day after.
I just put on eyeliner and a diff shirt in case the pizza guy is cute. This is what my dating life has come to
I had to physically pry the rocks out of your hands so you wouldn't throw them at the guy with the cowboy hat. You probably would've missed anyways.
You peed on someones bathroom floor while saying people are rude for not flushing
I have cobwebs on my vagina for halloween. And bats fly out when I open my legs.
A talk about Arizona woman's rights politics has never turned to sex so quickly before.
Not going to lie: not even the fact I'm wearing men's cargo pants can hide the fact I have an awesome ass.
Ugh, I should just give up, and fuck him in a parking lot, and shave my head and walk naked through the streets of King's Landing.
It's 7:30pm and we've already lost someone and had to run from the cops. What the fuck did you put in the punch?
Randomize
