tfor prom could you pick me up wo bottles of champagne and a condom, please?
Apparently I think casual Friday means I can show up unshaven in yesterday's clothes and reeking of booze.
I was worried if he didn't show me his penis, he would kill himself
and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
Aparently his snake got loose in the middle of the night. Not a sex joke, he has a fucking snake
I didn't even realize you were getting that drunk until bam!
is bam when I fell down the stairs or when I threw up standing at the bar?
how did i get to the car and why are my shoes broken
Im just a social blackout drinker.
This bitch flirting at the bar needs to close her legs and open up a book. I can literally feel my IQ dropping every time she bends down to show her tits.
Jealous?
Very.
I knew us throwing ourselves at him back in the day would pay off. I'm gonna b a divorcees rebound. Score!
its 3am and I'm taking a bubble bath, this is what taking a day off work at 30 looks like
I was masterbating to some porn on my phone and my mom decides to text me "are you okay?" I mean i was doing great until you cock blocked me mom..
To be honest. I have two poptarts in my jacket pockets. No one knows. I am pro stealth.
we cut you off when you started chasing with your slim fast shake
Look idk the rules and regulations of our freindship...but I need you to carry me to my car.
Randomize
