Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
MIND BOGGLER: batman and jesus are the same person. Think about it.
in hindsight, $10 Malibu buckets were a terrible idea...
Can we have a celebratory fuck now that the lockout is over?
You're the best girlfriend ever.
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
I think I just sold a snake to a stoned teenager.
it's graduation. he's gonna get congratulations slash emotional i cant believe youre leaving me sex.
It's basically the same plan, only step one gets revised to "look hot enough that he forgets I fucked his roommate"
Also, sex on a first date is no, right? Really, I just don't want to clean my apartment, but I'm trying to hide behind "morals" in an effort to appear less lazy.
moral of my life: don't tell a guy you want to have sex with him. he'll get back together with his ex.
She took her panties off, then farted in my general direction. I guess we're at that stage in our relationship.
This feels more like a conference of all the people I've fucked in the past year.
Did your grand seduction include learning to play careless whisper on a kazoo or was that just a hobby
don't do laundry while your drunk! i found a ketchup bottle & clothes hanger in the washer this morning!
I don't know what it is about this quarantine, but I have never written this much smutty fanfic in my life and I am loving it!
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