Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
Would it be in bad taste to ask Marky Mark to sign the vibrator I named after him?
Is that you who's passed out on my treadmill?
If turning my entire backyard into a slip-n-slide is wrong then I don't wanna be right
Just rented the SCUBA equipment. Meet me at the pool to test the underwater beer bong idea.
Seriously he's so hot. And it's so hard to flirt with a deaf guy
great idea involving lots of fake blood and face paint, call me tomorrow.
It's christmas eve and my mom blacked out before me. If she beat me at that, what have I been learning at college?
I had to drink a couple beers this morning so I could attend the keg race. Hangover had to dissipate or it wasn't happening.
I was just handed a bible on my walk of shame....are you there god? its tequila tuesday's hangover
How much morphine is too much? Keep in mind that I'm going to my graduation dinner with my parents.
Was booty called last night and I was so blacked out that my roomie made me puke before going to "eye of the tiger." Why I'm still single is beyond me
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
Apparently I promised everyone at the party I'd partake in various winter sports with them..
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