Why does it always sting when I'm breaking the seal taking a piss?
b/c u have herpes
No i said "always", not "since 2003" Asshole.
No, i'm not gonna let you give me a footjob on the floor of the cheesecake factory. C'mon.
I woke up with glitter in my wounds.
Just got a voicemail from a guy referring tp himself "as chest hair guy". If I'm coming home to a intervention I understand.
Don't smoke out front when you get home there's gasoline involved I'll tell you later
I think they're German
Just say lederhosen and see what happens
Now I can say "look me up on Pornhub."
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
I have never thoroughly inspected the geometry of my nipples until now. How do I fix this?
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
Just had to double check that I had pants on. THAT kind of weekend.
Buying a new bed right now. My options are limited because I need to be able to be tied to it.
I think my liver has finally had enough and is going all Ashley-Judd-in-a-Lifetime-movie on me.
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
Randomize
