Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
On a scale of your daily life to smuggling crack into the DR, how illegal is it?
If I believed in "responsibility" and "having limits", I would probably say I consumed too much alcohol in the last 48 hours
So, we estimated there is at least 40 pounds of boob in our house.
eating jello out of the cup. with my face. while on the toilet. i am at my lowest.
Dude we both faced 40s of steel reserve which is like saying, "Hey, I'm a complete piece of shit!"
I told my grandmother all I want is a nice guy who likes to be tied up.
I don't know if we can compare high school reunions anymore. The keg stands started before 7.
The dog just shocked himself by peeing on Christmas lights, should I have saw that coming?
When we got home I apparently addressed everyone as 'peasant' since it was my birthday, this followed by me demanding for my "peasants to wash me".
she's fucked both of my roommates but not me. i feel like I'm not part of the group anymore
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
I decided we werent gonna go for round 5 when he started trying to have a serious conversation about how blessed he is to have such a nice penis
He has a point, the man's penis is a legend.
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE
She and I had some intense sexual tension earlier when she dumped a package of apple straws all over my body.
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