We learned a valuable lesson from last night. You can, in fact, order bacon on a Big Mac.
I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
I'm at the grocery store buying monistat and corn nuts. thank god for self check out.
basically theres shrimp everywhere. splattered on the walls, in the carpet, its bad. ohh theyre never gonna get the smell out.
I just took a shit with a lightsaber in my hand. Dreams fulfilled.
You are softly singing to the wall while slow dancing with it. I feel as though you should discontinue this behavior.
Theres a 75% chance I'm wearing a hocky mask and nothing else right now
Ps I am
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
after you got high, you started to make guac with your bare hands and said: "there's soda bubbles in my legs"
After walking ten blocks barefoot in Boston I've concluded drunk me needs to make better decisions.
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
Did I tell you he put a lobster carcass on his dick?
Apparently I handcuffed myself to the dishwasher...
OMG LOOK AT THAT PIECE OF MAN
I haven’t trained for this.
Fun fact: nipples work on touch screens. Tell your friends :)
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