I can't remember last night. I must have yelled at your girlfriend til she cried again.
Yup.
I just masturbated to the audio from my psych lecture . . . this screwing my prof fantasy is getting serious.
It would be like bopping for an apple with my penis but never winning an actual prize. The only thing I would get from it would be the joy from taking part but then regretting it forever more
Post-sex chicken soup was such a good idea. It's been like an hour and I'm still applauding myself
Managed to get through family dinner without anyone knowing I was tripping balls. Christmas miracle. He exists.
You were carrying around a milk crate, randomly putting it down calling out 'praise be to the milk gods' and making people pray to it.
My mom just offered to be my designated driver tonight. I love being an adult.
The only joy I have here is being able to shit with the door open.
If you could not mention to him that I slept with his best friend, that'd be cool of you.
I wanted to waterboard myself with beer, but no one would give me their shirt to do it.
Why was I so drunk last night that I licked the bar and then the bartenders face? Why didn't you stop me? We can never go back there.
He was tied up with the electrical tape and force fed wine from a box. It was never going to end well.
She threw my purse across the room almost broke a lamp and this all started bc she forgot what an air mattress was
Officially not baby mama #3. Celebration is in order.
I know it's New Year's Eve but if you're going to have a bunch of chicks playing strip go fish in our apartment I need a heads up.
Randomize
