If Jimminey Cricket were here with me he would be so disappointed.
You love popeyes more than me
does delicious chicken come out of your vagina?
I'm pretty sure he's lost all respect for me. it probably happened somewhere around the time i had officially slept with every single one of his friends..
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
I just canoed to the bar. I am a skilled drunk paddler.
I am going to wait until he wakes up to set his couch on fire and then pee it out. That way he knows it was not an accident.
Congratulations, I drank so much for your birthday that I'm shitting blood.
Also I've been at work for an hour and I've already been "honey"d "babe"d and "beautiful"d by three separate men. Apparently hungover with yesterdays make up looks good on me.
Sean slept in the bushes beside my house again. Any reason he kept screaming/slurring 'it was all a bunch of goddamn lies' through out the night?
I woke up this morning with 3 phone numbers, a red Chinese New Year envelope with cash in it, and a winning scratcher all stuffed in my bra. I'd say it was a pretty successful Thursday night.
All I know for sure is, I went to bed drunk and I woke up in a relationship..I think I need to reevaluate my drinking skills.
I am 5' 11" of pure, uncut Fuck Off right now.
This weekend was amazing, 4 confirmed pukings, 2 cops, 3 hookers, one photographed t-bagging of the groom, and a night in an illegal gambling house.
I'm like the kinda excited when David After Dentist stands up in his seat, screams, and collapses
Nothing like an afternoon walk of shame across campus on parent's weekend. Damn.
Randomize
