Just topless shotgunned a bud light alone. I am about to peer mentor the shit out of these freshmen.
He's cheating on his wife, and he's judging me for eating McDonalds
but im not going to tell the owner of the penis of my dreams how to wear his hair.
Thanks for having me and my emotional baggage over last night.
I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
I'm imagining a seal in an ugly shirt hahahahaha Percocet
Why would I take you home? That would eliminate the chances of you making bad decisions I could ridicule you about later.
Let's play "Guess What I Just Found In My Vagina?"
Let's just says his mouth writes a lot of checks that his penis just can't cash. Don't waste your time.
We can't go back there. Ever. No context required, just know it's true.
Oh, I also stabbed a guy Friday and he still asked me out
He was tripping his balls off and kept aggressively saying SIT ON MY FACE. 5 hours and countless orgasms later I've decided I must never let this man go.
i feel like if my pee,blood, or vomit is on it...it should belong to me by default. can we make that a rule?
I canceled a date last night to eat pop tarts and go to bed early
her idea of a romantic time is a bottle of jager, some Guacamole and chips.
can't go wrong with guac.
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