UPDATE: In a passionate fit of self love, I brought myself to orgasm under the moon on my 7th floor balcony, ejaculating between the rungs towards the ground.
Unfortunately, I did not realize that most of it would end up on the balcony below mine.
At least you don't cum in color.
the guy i hooked up with is asleep on our couch. please dont fuck him.
I've only been here for an hour and I've already made 6 babies cry.
Happy Birthday
Is it wrong that im more embaressed about the karoke than the toplessness?
I still think it's messed up that you're naming your kids after all the guys you slept with in college
Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
Have you ever straight up just taken a bite out of a block of cheese? Because it's amazing.
The staff doesn't like it when you try and take your wheelchair for a joy ride since I've been waiting for an hour and a half.
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
I wish I could remember her name, I mean we fucked and all, but it woulda been nice to tag her in the instagram pics.
They are doing the auction. One of the items in the auction is a grenade launcher.
I've finally done it, I've downloaded some messenger lesbians like to use because some girl wanted to flirt.
Congrats, you're all grown up now.
I FEEL LIKE A GAY BUTTERFLY
They're either celebrating their tax money or trying to kill each other.
My doctor actually said I was suffering from an "acute hangover" in doctor's note I asked him for....what a douche
She kept telling me that it pissed her off that i expect people to make out with me...then she made out with me. Win?
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