i have your red jacket for some reason. and a good deal of shame and embarasment. note to self, wear underwear when you wear a dress. also, i was electrocuted last night. dont ask how.
If I've learned one thing today? Blow jobs get you to state championships.
Alright. Who did it? Who's bangin' the ump?
I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
she passed on me to fuck the foreign guy. is there a manlier, slightly less gay way of saying "always the bridesmaid, never the bride"?
nope.
Right now im sitting at home and all i can think about is im eating calories and i should be out drinking them.
Getting stoned and going to costco. If i'm not back by dawn, you know what to do.
chugging beers on the train. people are staring. I would be offended if it wasn't 8:30
i am one UTI away from banning your fingers from my vagina
i mean i'm drinking free wine with lesbians and listening to sinead oconnor so i'm not sure who won that breakup
Another beautiful Sunday, another beautiful day the stick is not positive. Amen.
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
If my birthday doesn't end with my panties hanging from a ceiling fan, I'm holding you responsible.
My brother is chasing tequila with vodka. Not sure how it will turn out, but I like his style.
I'm glad you had fun with your genitals.
You can't leave me alone in times of distress because I will fuck things 🙈😐
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