So when does "going out for one drink" = giving some guy an HJ on the sidewalk?!?
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
i prefer some hard alcohol, but wine makes me feel less of a progressive alcoholic
the first sign of life we got from you was four hours later. you smiled without opening your eyes when tom whispered in your ear we were getting buffalo wings.
It's a special occasion. Hence the 151.
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
I literally have a bandage on my dick that's how bad she is at handjobs
Just stared at a tree for a solid 5 minutes because I thought a German Shepard was perched on a limb.
PLAN B IS EXPENSIVE ON A $50 A WEEK BUDGET.
For our final psych experiment, we're conditioning Tim to hump the nearest inanimate object and/or person every time he hears a Ke$ha song
No matter how drunk I am or how drunk I'll ever be I love you
Major win last night. I traded my roommate two cigs for a six pack and a bag of beef jerky. This has been a Brian weekend update
We'll never be able to grow apart now. You can't look at a stranger & say "Yea I ate goldfish crackers off his dick." & just be casual about that.
I've never seen so much of my blood outside me. After the initial shock it was kind of cool.
Caitlin, you were laying in your bed feeding your dog ritz chips and singing a whole new world at 4am loud enough your neighbors came over an asked you to stop.
I love my life
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