So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
he rolled over in his sleep, called me a hoe and then grabbed my crotch. some things never change, asleep or not.
If we both stop thinking about your penis for just a moment, we'd realize it is important and good that you are spending quality time with your family
he wrote me a grocery list while i was passed out. every other item was gin. it went on for 4 pages.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I will pray to the gods of eye bleach for you
don't say the first was when I crawled under into the dressing room
She had one unshaved part on her vagina that she called "the soul patch" I just didn't know what to think
DONT EVER DUNK OREOS INTO WINE . NEVER
I am not sure which is more amazing; The fact that she offered me sex, beer AND nachos, or that she can properly use a semi-colon at her current blood alcohol level.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I was just crying my tits off and he was just sitting there listening. I was an open book of embarrassing life stories.
Wine is not your friend.
I don't think the best pickup line was. Hey I have never made a girl orgasm before but I'm sure it will work on someone like you.
If we're single and alone together, the fuck angels shall sing upon our nude bodies.
you got into a really intense arguement about protecting bees. it was wierdly arousing.
Like you can't just be like oh bb and THEN SEND ME A FUCKING PICTURE OF MY 8TH GRADE FAT SELF IN A TACO COSTUME
If I die write a nice eulogy and bury me with my star wars bobbleheads
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