I think she would actually eat a penis if anyone was brave enough to let one near her mouth
I was so high last night that i'm 89% sure my roommates set up an obstacle course for me and timed it. Not positive.. I think one of the challenges was pairing shoes
so when i dont talk to her she talks to herself...idk whats worse
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
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he woke up with $200 in his pocket and had to buy his cell phone back from a hobo at the bus stop.
I wish I could sell my textbooks directly to my drug dealer and cut out the middle man
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
I just took my birth control on the way to class with a 1/2 melted jello shot I happened to find in my purse from Friday night. I told you I was going hard this year.
what are we doing this weekend?
I have enough booze to get us through Armageddon...which basically means that on Sunday we will have to make a trip to the liquor store.
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He drew a face on his balls with a sharpie. It was like giving head to a unicorn.
I think your husband is breaking up with me...
He went to 7/11 first and came back with condoms and a banana "in case we get hungry"
Drug test isn't today. Now I'm just sitting in this orientation with a bag of your piss in my pants
If I could figure out how to do him with his wranglers on you would never see me again.
Don't ask but i need a priest, a calzone, a litre of gravy, and exactly 7 oreos
And a bag of nachos
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