i just wish he would text me so i could ignore his text and show him how little i care anymore
I took off my clothes and she wanted to have sex. But then she changed her mind. So we ended up fucking through her panties or something. I don't know it was weird.
please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
Ways to know you did something wrong: you sugar-coated it for your therapist.
I've been deciding between brands of bagels for 20 minutes. This why I doint smoke weed.
Does boxed wine and camel crushes signify a college date? Lets hope so
The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
Dudes got a Polo tattoo. I don't care if he has a yacht I can't handle that level of gay.
dude my 8 year old cousin is allowed to drink wine coolers. as long as its infront of my aunt. wtf
I just smoked my last bit of kief with a grill lighter. This is what crackheads must feel like.
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
Me and this random chick had a conversation about how to save the world. 2 words: Dance. Battles. I love drunk heart to hearts in bar bathrooms.
we didnt plan anything. just randomly met up in the park, both reached into our pockets and each lit up a joint without exchanging words. we're telepathic potheads.
look on the scale of 1 to the time you hit an old lady with your car chlamydia barely even rates
So hungover that I might just sit in my car and wait until chipotle opens...in two hours...
Randomize
