is it odd that your cat looks tougher than you?
i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
Um, that's called prostitution
Not if I leave it on the nightstand, then it's called cab money
Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
I think my fart just growled at me.
They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
I drunkenly recorded an episode of Family Matters last night. I took a shot everytime Carl Winslow had a mustache.
Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
I vaguely remember trying to exfoliate my face with your leg hair. Sorry about that.
Can we play rock paper scissor shot again? I want to black out in 15 minutes or less...
You were riding my three year old's train yelling, 'I think I can, I think I can!!'
I thought I could.
After we had sex he told me it was a "goodbye gift". We haven't talked since.
You also proposed and then tried to jack me off
Remember the girl I had sex with in the dorm stairwell? She got married!
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
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