Im broke. I spend all my money on weed cigarettes alcohol and food. In that order. I cant even cut one of those because you know it'd be food. I already stopped getting my nails done just so i could support my bad habits.
I always see him when I'm wearing my ripped pants. I think its because of the hole in the crotch. My vag sends out supersonic "I'm horny" waves to him. Otherwise the calls are muffled.
He was pretty out of it. He heard crickets outside, and thought it was the laptop. So he put his ear to it, rubbed the keyboard, and said "tell me your secrets."
No one understands that once a girl pours a handle of smirnoff all over herself, clearly she is wasted
Satisfying Perfect Camera Moments
She showed up to the party with a live octopus and a 30 pack that was already half gone
You need an intervention. You fell into traffic walking home.
Not really. Birthday weekend. Totally jusifiable. Besides I didn't get hit. No harm no foul.
all i wanna do is drink skittled vodka, fuck my gf, and pass out in my neighbors hot tub naked
He showed up at my door at 3 AM wearing a Santa hat with a tiara attached.
The guy had great intentions when throwing us free beer off the balcony... but of course I was the one to get hit in the face because that's the kind of luck I have
This Dog Travel Carrier is a Must
Had a guy offer me a shot. But he wimped out when I asked for tequila and instead ordered gummi bear shots. I don't think he has balls. I didn't stick around to find out.
You know you have done too many drugs when you gum the sugar off your margarita without even thinking twice
I'm eating cake, naked, in bed. I am GREAT at being single.
Smoking a bowl and ordering Dominos, you want in on either, both, or none?
PSA- Wearing assless chaps results in embarrassingly painful sunburn
A guy who takes a plate of chicken tenders away from us is not to be trusted or slept with