we black-lighted her bedspread and it looked like a jackson pollock painting.
Just tried my new showerhead. Sex with Brian will never be the same.
it was like fucking with batman, he had gadgets i never even imagined
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
My vagina and my morals are playing tug of war
Can one of you do me a favor? Light a match and throw it into my room. Bc I'm certain I would rather be burned to death than live in this hell I call my life
Well, I found my bra. It's in my glove compartment with a half-eaten Snickers bar and a Jesus bookmark.
the fat guy in me is very excited, and the skinny guy in me is very excited for the fat guy in me
But you're the one who should be jamming foreign objects into my vaj instead of an old weird lady. I mean, it is your birthday....
Last night you said you were going to stop drinking and then proceeded to dip cookies in your vodka.
Sadly that explains a lot.
Oh, and one of the worst parts... his name was Mario. I fucked a Nintendo character.
We should probably feel disgusted that we took turns eating and drunkenly passing around a burrito the size of a small dog but i’m ok with it.
Got arrested last night. My cell mate just added me on Facebook.
the girl who hid my weed when the cops came has a birthday coming up. i feel like i should get her something.
Did I tell you I drunk fucked my one roommate last week
Uh no
Randomize
