Dude this girl just said she'd take me to pleasure town while giving me head
Will Ferrell is probably jerking himself off somewhere wishing he was you
i need a wealthy benefactor or a cocktail job. or to start stripping. or kill myself. whatever.
I am too high to leave where I am...And they are listening to Stained. This is my living hell.
Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
And theres a reasonable expectation that if you're fighting over a pair of yoga pants on the ground at VS someones gonna videotape it
I fucking give up. OKC is where small penises go to disappoint me.
He has a lot of emotional energy invested in your vagina.
I swear to god little potato creatures live inside Belvedere bottles and claw at your throat as you swallow shots.
I had an epiphany. If a dude dressed up as Batman to ask me out, I'd prolly marry him.
No, it's ok. He's Greek. To him I'm just a light drinker, not an alcoholic.
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog
He literally said, while inside me, "I would smack your ass but I don't want to wake my mom up". Amazing.
ugh i want to get waxed but I’m afraid. my vagina has had enough trauma this week, i don’t know if I can put her thru any more.
Jack and I got in a huge fight at 6am. He fell asleep when I was giving him head so I freaked. We were both black out so I made a memo in my phone reminding me
Randomize
