YEA!!! I'll throw you a non-baby shower.
non applicator tampons are so hard to put in when your drunk. i fingered myself for 10 minutes and forgot what i was trying to do.
Thank God they found balloon boy, I was afraid that Michael Jackson was ordering take out from heaven.
I need to not be around brick walls while intoxicated.
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
You were throwing ham at people telling them you were the sandwhich fairy
there seems to be a considerable amount of hair missing from my left hand. i may have lit it on fire again
Glow parties are what I live for
Your priorities in life astound me
All I know is....there's beer in my camera. How do I know? Because I can pick up my camera,shake it and HEAR, the beer in it
I had to assert my dominance as Alpha Drunk.
I think god invented us with two hands so we can grab an ass and spank it at the same time.
You took off all your clothes to try on her fur coat and then punched me when I said you couldn't wear it to bed.
Not sure if I should ask if I can have my underwear back or just avoid that all together.
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
I need to bang the neighbor boy. He’s given three women screaming orgasms this week alone.
Also, my apartment walls are too thin
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