I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
I think we should urban dictionary "drive of shame." It involves a sprint to your car in his underwear and shirt, surreptitiously trying to put on your bra on at stoplights without attracting attention from neighboring cars, and lurking in your car a block from home so you can know when your roommate leaves for work.
cruising supermarkets, asking random people where i can get weed. fuck alaska
Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
Yet again my drunken self has managed to find his way into the middle of nowhere with no shoes or recollection of what happened last night.
Then I guess you don't remember me driving you there after you tried making out with my girlfriend, dipshit.
then the nurse gave me a bag with my personal belongings: phone, wallet. jacket, keys and a BTB burrito
she screamed "gravy"!!! in the guys face and then stole the very large mans food in line ahead of us... that was just the beginging of the police report.
Send me the picture of my mugshot, my boss got arrested last night and I'm trying to make her feel better.
I don't mean to complain but you could have done a better job of keeping me alive last night
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
The moment you tore my shirt off I knew I wanted to spend the rest of my life with you
Everyone is all excited about the iPhone 7 being water resistant and I'm only concerned with whether or not it can be destroyed by salsa or cum
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
yeah, I woke up with nacho cheese crusted all over my face and head...a lone jalapeno still stuck in my ear...you win this round drunk nachos....
Randomize
