...i apologize for hitting you up so much tonight im just kinda in a little pickle. im going to sleep in my car near u so pretty plz lmk if you head home...
The last thing I remeber was convincing you to hide in the fridge, and then taking everything out and you not fitting.
is this the only place in the world where you can get shot on one side of town, and have to stop for cows crossing the street on the other side?
I have no idea what happened last night, but you're the only person I remember smashing my face into. Be honored.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
It's an "im going to have to shit with the lights off" type of morning
Alright, who started the "how long till dereck gets deported from Australia" pool? I want in on that.
Got back to find Sarah in her underwear eating peanut butter and watching Arrested Development with the thermostat at eighty.
Yes sir I did. I'll be there with a guest. And no, my date won't be an escort.
Well if that changes tell the escort to bring cocaine.
My dog is now used to me drunk singing and sleeps through it. I don't know how I feel about this
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm to sober to make life ruining decisions and alcohol is to expensive at this bar for me to fear that level of drunk happening
Couldn't finish, so she gave me "the tap," and I had to leave the mound early. Nothing worse than the long walk back after the manager comes out and asks for the ball.
I now have a other guy willing to drive 3 hours for my vagina. At my next gyno appointment I'm asking her if there's cocaine in there.
Guess who just hooked up with a guy who was wearing a shirt from his mom's "dress up closet"?!
For not being a nurse or a sex worker I have seen an alarming amount of penises.
the girl who hid my weed when the cops came has a birthday coming up. i feel like i should get her something.
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