I'm currently googling how to make a dress out of a trash bag. It's going to be a great night.
Sorry if I ruined your sex last night with my constant text updates about the plot of Bolt.
just took my abortion antibiotic with my martini. i no longer wonder how i got into this situation.
in hindsight, $10 Malibu buckets were a terrible idea...
Its funny how you denied every part of the text except " you hate fat ppl"
I really don't want to. I just don't know how to nicely say "dude I'm having a rough time in life right now and I just need to dress like a stripper cop, get shit faced, and have dirty crazy sex"
You don't know commitment until you try and waterproof a non-waterproof vibrator
He woke up in a dragon costume, covered in bong water. That was a party we will regret missing.
In the middle of me riding him, he stopped me and said "You're the kind of person who would be restrained for being obnoxiously drunk on an airplane, huh?"
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
Shhhh less advice, more soothing words and dirty phrases
I'm watching Netflix with my cats and eating homemade bread. Everyone and everything can go and fuck itself.
I was just dry heaving outside of the Chem building when a guided tour walked by. Welcome to the Maritimes kids...
i'm not too sure if he's up to my expectations looks-wise, but in the penis department he exceeds ALL regulations.
ok, muffins say "love me", waffles say "fuck me", got it.
Randomize
