dunno bout you, but i grow tired of beef curtains
Turns out I'm like the Wayne Gretzky of hiding cum. Who knew?
my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
You realize we can hear you jacking off in your room, right?
I like it rough
You know there's only so much I can do with a great personality.
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
Do you know how hard it is to get cum out of a straw hat!?
Side note: I think I fell asleep holding a cereal box
whatever buzz i had immediately ended when i saw her run through a sliding glass door
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
Drunkenly, I gave him a molly instead of an aleve so A) I'm still looking for him and B) I'm not sure about his headache.
You shouted, "LOOK I'M HAWKEYE," and beaned mike with a dildo from across the room.
Okay I'm officially a Texan now, I banged a dude with cowboy boots
What started out as a one night stand ended in him texting me the next day, saying he thought he was gay.
my alarm on my phone broke at the bar sooo i had to sleep with someone so i'd wake up on time for work.
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