I hate when my naked walk-arounds are interrupted by someone knocking on the door
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
I just found a beer pong ball in my mail box. I think its a sign
You seriously need to keep doing my sexting for me. I just said something about "riding cock like a dick rodeo"
First day at work... I clogged up the office toilet on purpose to assert my dominance.
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
Wow. He pulled out his dick and I swear I heard a thud from it hitting the floor.
He's the kind you'd bring home and you'd wake up and all your food would be half eaten on the kitchen floor and all your socks would be missing.
Just bought koolaid for my vodka in a DARE shirt with my NES wallet. I'm everything I thought I'd be when I was 8.
Except even better, boobs get discounts.
We waved. But it was a "let's hook up" wave.
can i text him and be like "oh yeah, forgot i kinda made out with a girl this weekend. For future reference, does this count as cheating?" ?
Drake has all the answers
Just found out that my name comes from part of my mom's old stripper name.
Just had an emotional break through with the dog. That high.
Randomize
