My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
One little Beyonce reference and he turns on me faster than liberals on Jon Mackey
vagina is talking i cant
She has no definite jawline and all of her photo's have Ke$ha quotes as captions followed by a "<3" Even by your standards that is embarrassing.
It was going well until he told me about the 7k he made in college to be in a gay porn
All I remember is him trying to go down on me, but I guess I was too busy making out with his brother
Also, I saved your name as Everclear last night. No idea why I did that.
Peanut butter fills the cracks of my heart
My parents heard us going at it in their tent. I told my mom it must have been a bear looking for food. I don't think she bought it. She deliberately chose this park because bears haven't been sighted here in years.
They came over the loud speaker and said "no laying on the dance floor.." I thought i was dancing, but apparently that's just the way it started out.
Okay, first we buy a pirate outfit and then we get drunk, you in or you out?
YOU SHOULD HAVE BEEN THE FIRST VISITOR TO CHRISTMASLAND
Somehow I woke up next to the bouncer who kicked us out of the bar last night...
I want you to defile me in my childhood bed.
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
Randomize
