why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
Nipple clamps can be ambiguous
being a part time student has turned me into a full time alcoholic.
he told me he's been faithful to his girlfriend and is gonna try to stay that way. challenge accepted.
oh god...if the people that live above me killed themselves again then im gonna assume im the worst neighbor ever
I can't let him end my perfect streak. HE USED TO BE FAT
We'll just play it by vagina and see where it leads us
HIS BALLS ARE HEAVEN SENT FROM THE VELVET ANGLES.
I wish we could all take a bath together. Not in a lesbian way. But in a relaxing drunk in the tub sort of way.
i’m just listening to christina aguilera’s “your body” on repeat and trying not to pass out at my desk.
Man, you got so high you own goaled yourself in FIFA then got up celebrating.
She's Jesus crazy. And one if not more other forms of crazy. She's 2.5+ crazy.
ya I went to the grocery store literally just for cheese and condoms
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
Randomize
