Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
While she was crying about breaking up, he looked at her through his fork and said "of course she's upset, she's in jail." Having sex with him tonight.
I woke up with the new contact "Britney Both Nipples Pierced"... how do you think the night went?
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
I'm basically just sitting in the porta poTty finishing my bottle of champagne bc I am too lazy to carry it back to the tailgate
Hey he's not bad, although he did have a glass eye
I mean I'm so obviously classy currently laying in bed watching a movie while finishing my drink from last night
I'm going to pretend you don't watch My Little Pony and focus on your large cock. Kay? Don't bring it up again.
Don't do shots out of Tostitos scoops.
well I didn't shave for the hot dilf I banged last week so I'm sure as hell not shaving for you. Sry
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
You went to pound town last night and chow town this morning. Boy you need a passport.
Dont... please don't. Don't fuck him on his bean bag bed
Live it up bro, they're always so surprised to find out you use magnums, being such a tiny man and all. It's a good thing.
PROBABLY?!! And here I was, about to buy you a glow-in-the-dark banana-flavored cock ring... Now I "probably" won't.
Randomize
