im not sure if this headache is from the car accident or cocaine withdrawl
My boyfriend just sent me flowers. I am now crying at the fact i fucked my fat neighbor. God please help me.
No, no, no. Fuck you. I took a glass blowing class solely to learn how to make that bong. You shattered it and my dreams in a matter of five seconds.
i'm not sure when i reached "slam my own hand in the door" status but my half attached fingernail is not grateful.
I got rejected. By another girl. At a red light. In front of seven shirtless cyclists in the middle of the night. How is that normal?!?
So i just got guilted into doing a tequila shot by a group of guys chanting "USA!" at me.
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
I'm sorry for not being sorry about whatever shit I did to you when you were annoying and I was drunk. That is all.
i know you're at the dentist, but this dick pic was too phenominal to wait and i deserve immediate tit compensation
This storm betta not fuck with taco tuesday
I just farted and its sounded like it was disappointed in me.
Well you were listening to music and having sex really loudly. How was I supposed to know you'd hear me making rocket sounds?
I'm disgusted with myself. Who goes down on their Uber driver? This asshole
HAMMERED.. I made a peanut butter and jelly sandwich with toilet paper instead of bread...
im on a boat
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