i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
We tried having a conversation with our noses.
Just got head while drinking hot cocoa and eating cookies. Never in my life have I felt more like santa claus
You guys seriously fuck to bieber? That's embarrassing...
Currently microwaving whipped cream to make white Russians and hotboxing the kitchen while this random kid is dancing in the corner.
I'm lonelier than Tom Hanks in Cast Away, right meow. Ready to make this bong my Wilson.
New plan for Halloween: you dress as Waldo, I'll dress as Carmen San Diego. We can just hide in a closet drinking till someone finds us.
Well the "Blackout with your sack out" party turned out predictably.
I told him that his face would look perfect between my legs. One of my most successful strategies yet.
I just caught myself watching and Irish step dance documentary in my underwear drinking nyquil through a straw at 2 in the afternoon. today's off to a good start.
We fucked through the entire Destiny's Child album, it was a beautiful thing.
At least you get to smell pizza at your job. I just smell despair all day long.
Did I try to sell your body for chicken tenders last night?
I'm pretty sure the rest of my evening will consist of masturbating, drinking tequila and watching children's movies.
Plan b and 5 hour enegery breakfast of a champion
Randomize
