Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
she took her bra off and it was like the puppet strings had been dropped. her tits totally deflated.
I mean I gotta puke to be skinny, wax to be hairless, and drink to be fun. Life isn't easy.
One minute we were getting noise complainted by the security guards the next I was shotgunning a beer with them
It must be illegal for me to be this drunk in front of this many children
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
asked the cab driver where he learned Swahili last night.
I just found a plastic cup with panties inside of it. Let's play CSI.
Ummm, my mojito just spilled on 2 essays as I'm grading. Who says high schoolers have all the fun?
We just won 1800 at the casino and are going to the strip club. Who gives a fuck if it's 5pm
I THINK it was the lead singer. Whoever he was, I have his number and his dick was pierced.
It was totally the lead singer.
I just had a twenty minute discussion about endangered breed dog breeding with an Extremely drunk guy
So many questions...
your phone died, so you started bawling in the bar
yeah that sounds like me
I also don't hate being called a giant sack of cheese. Is that weird?
Yeah I don't think your wife thinks it's a good thing that you're fucking your cousin.
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