i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
This unplanned pregnancy thing is really taking all the fun out of football season.
Apparently I added "small children" to my likes on facebook. glad to know that's where my subconscious is at.
My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
I kept pulling the $1 bills off the stage and told everyone "no no no she has to work for this money"
Wow. He pulled out his dick and I swear I heard a thud from it hitting the floor.
His concept of male bonding is doing lines in adjacent stalls.
6 margaritas later and free shots of tequila, i woke up with a fat lip and they said i blew my nose in a slice of bread
its the kind of pain that only someone with a fucking elephant on their head would understand. I'm never drinking again.
Well my grandma put the turkey in the oven for 4 hours and didn't have the oven on.
BTW car sex works all the muscle groups. Just sayin. Legs/butt are sore as are arms, back and core.
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
No no no, work drunk and day drunk are totally different. I got drunk with a client and made a huge sale at 1pm. You are still in your PJs and jacking off.
You kept licking me last night.... and said I tasted like jello. Next time, lay off the jello shots, okay?
If I knew the person sucking my dick didn't say thank you for their Christmas presents I wouldn't be able to cum.
Randomize
