last week i woke up at this guys house...this week i woke up at his ex girlfriends
Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
you shoved the noah's ark of animal crakers in your mouth saturday.
sometimes i wish i was the girl in a porno. that way if i couldn't get any, i'd just order a pizza and do him.
i had a dream last night that my liver tore its self out of my body and ran away.
woke up with a used condom shoved in my ear. i officially hate alcohol.
It was horrifying, i havent seen a girls mouth open that wide since that one episode of Goosebumps..
Her eyebrows were plucked so thin that she had to have gonorrhea. Clean girls just don't pluck that way
Sorry I got completely naked in your bed, but I feel our friendship has grown because of it.
Call me and get me out of this conversation NOW. My coworker is talking to me about her birds having sex again...
Mom and dad should be so proud half of their children have gotten naked in the same local grocery store
sometimes you just have to listen to beyonce and cry. that's how life works
I knew I wanted to marry her when we got in that bar fight and she full-nelsoned a guy while I worked his kidneys. I knew then we had to breed
Well I just woke up to no pants, Gatorade on the headboard along with an uneaten steak, and the instinct I was a giant asshole.
it looks like a nuclear can of fuck blew up in here
Randomize
