so i slept on a park bench last night...no hobo
I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
You totally drew a penis wizard on my closet that says "I travel for cock rock"
I woke up to the sound of a beer can being opened. I love him already
I've had more sex in the two weeks since we broke up than I ever had in any two weeks we were together.
He's almost as awesome as vicodin.
Can i tell him you said that? Cuz i know that means a lot coming from you
He stole a bottle of grenadine from the bar. And got arrested. His new cell mate is going to love his bright red lips.
Oh fuck. There is like a human shit on the sidewalk. I hate this place.
Dude, the lecture theatre is caving in on me.
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
I used my iced coffee to ice the bump on my head from last night
Apparently the cops had to handcuff me in order to get me to come with to the hospital with them. They asked me if I had had any experience with handcuffs before and I replied, "Only in bed." What a life
God damn. You sleep with one 40 year old married dude and suddenly you have “daddy issues”. Fuck all of you.
After we had sex he went to the kitchen, came back with a bag of funyuns and ate them buck ass naked in his bedroom doorway. Had no idea how to react to that one.
I am confused/concerned about the circumstances that led to your consumption of 3 beta fish last night.
Randomize
