I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
Hawaiian shirts and no dignity
We are always on the same wavelength...kinda eerie.
we're havin a 400 loko party for joe pa's 400th win. come get loko
The sound guy for the band told me id make a great valentines gift for his bisexual girlfriend
You could have chosen coming to fuck me over getting too hammered to drive. But you made your bed, and now you get to jack off alone in it.
You almost make it sound as if getting an education to further your career is more important than beer and tacos.
If 26 stitches didn't sober her up, nothing will.
He puked in the voicemail. That's a true friend right there.
No, the moral of my Oxford interview was "Never snort caffeine pills".
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
Anyway. I unfriended all of these people like a grown up and I am never talking to them again
She actually purred while I was balls deep in her! I have never been so proud to buy plan b at 6:30 in the morning.
blue gatorade loses no color upon regurgitation
drunk me always erases text conversations because she is a woman of mystery and does not like for me to know what's going on in her life
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
Randomize
