Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
TRUE LIFE: my roommate is growing a bush.
better yet, TRUE LIFE: my roommates boyfriend begged her to grow a bush.
look what he's done to me, i actually want to be a stripper now.
You are in charge of making sure that her vagina explodes with joy tonight.
We got kicked out after you decided to chase your shot using the soda gun behind the bar.
Just got a picture message from my sister of the two of us wearing cowboy hats and pressing our bare asses together. Do you remember enough to explain?
i've been hiding in the laundry chute for like thirty minutes from her. not my manliest moment. but dude this is awesome
I learned so much about myself in that shower.
Well we're either getting a bunny or I'm getting you pregnant in about 12 days.
Don't shower too much, need the shame to be fresh to get the best story
Is it tacky to frame a negative pregnancy test?
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
Is offering to blow your HR rep considered an ethics violation?
I'm just happy stripping was the reason you fractured your hand
He bought me a bottle of Malibu. I think I could love this guy.
I've loved people for a lot less.
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